Life - On the Outside Looking In

Do you ever feel like you are on the outside looking in? Have you looked through the window at a life and wondered why it wasn't yours? That's how I feel. Like I'm waiting, waiting on my life to start. I'm 35 and have been married for almost 13 years, but I'm waiting. Waiting on what? Waiting on my family. My wonderful, cute, happy family. My children to love and make memories with. I've wanted a family of my own for so many years, and never did I dream I would be walking through life in slow motion this many years down the road. I have no children, infertility caused from years of PCOS and now my husband's disability has created a huge hurdle for us. I just don't fit. In a world filled with circles of families, I am a square peg, a childless, mourning, square peg.

This weekend I went back to my home church, the church where I grew up, where I know everyone, where everyone knows me, but yet I feel I'm an outsider. Old flames, old friends, acquaintances, everyone has a family. I want that. My heart aches for that. I don't know where my place is. Everywhere I go I hear "You don't have children?", "You just don't understand, you don't have kids.", "When are you going to have a baby?" and on and on and on it goes. It's always the same, I grin and shrug and life goes on...for them. For me, I start spinning, spinning in circles trying to figure out why, why it had to be me. I love my husband and want a family. I don't want to be old and childless. I want my family that I've always dreamed of. I have to think that some how, some way, God will fulfill my dreams and that one day I will be on the inside of this beautiful child-filled world.

Hurricane Ike

We are headed into a long weekend...a weekend filled with uncertainty, high gusting winds and pouring rain. My home, Texas, Hurricane Ike has made its appearance. I am not in the eye of the storm, but am on the outskirts but will undoubtedly feel its effects tomorrow when the flooding hits. My thoughts and prayers are with my fellow Texans as they batton down the hatches and ride out this horrible storm. I pray for the lives, homes and businesses that will be lost. My prayers go out to all of those this storm will touch.

September 11th

Septemer 11, 2001. What a day. A day no one will ever forget. I remember where I was, what I was doing, the people who were around me, the thoughts that rushed through my mind, and the horror that was all around me, on every television, every radio. It was not only a devasting day for our country but for all of mankind as well. To think that any human being, no matter where they are from, no matter their religion, no mater their race would bring such death and turmoil to others. Americans will never be the same.