Life - On the Outside Looking In

Do you ever feel like you are on the outside looking in? Have you looked through the window at a life and wondered why it wasn't yours? That's how I feel. Like I'm waiting, waiting on my life to start. I'm 35 and have been married for almost 13 years, but I'm waiting. Waiting on what? Waiting on my family. My wonderful, cute, happy family. My children to love and make memories with. I've wanted a family of my own for so many years, and never did I dream I would be walking through life in slow motion this many years down the road. I have no children, infertility caused from years of PCOS and now my husband's disability has created a huge hurdle for us. I just don't fit. In a world filled with circles of families, I am a square peg, a childless, mourning, square peg.

This weekend I went back to my home church, the church where I grew up, where I know everyone, where everyone knows me, but yet I feel I'm an outsider. Old flames, old friends, acquaintances, everyone has a family. I want that. My heart aches for that. I don't know where my place is. Everywhere I go I hear "You don't have children?", "You just don't understand, you don't have kids.", "When are you going to have a baby?" and on and on and on it goes. It's always the same, I grin and shrug and life goes on...for them. For me, I start spinning, spinning in circles trying to figure out why, why it had to be me. I love my husband and want a family. I don't want to be old and childless. I want my family that I've always dreamed of. I have to think that some how, some way, God will fulfill my dreams and that one day I will be on the inside of this beautiful child-filled world.